I wannas sexs uuuuu
Remember when we did the egg drop from the Dyson building? Her vag is like that, except with a ham, and the ham doesn't make it. I'll be back to the apartment in ten.
It is 3am. I'm at a pizzeria with my 4 friends. The one to my right is throwing up on herself, the one to my left is crying hysterically by herself, the one in front of me is passed out on the table, and the other is trying to find a taxi and I'm pretty sure a guy is sticking his hand up her skirt. Tourists are taking pictures. Help me.
He just kept muttering to himself "stabby stabby stabby stabby" while we were boning. I will never be boning him again.
They put me in charge of something. Why the fuck would you look at me and put me in charge of something while i'm double fisting peach mimosas at a baby shower
obviously my window is still shattered. they're pressure washing my condo today. i think i need a bloody mary.
The following message is brought to you by IMSOFUCKINGSORRY. Dude I'm really sorry I got you arrested last night. You are allowed to choose a repayment plan from the following options: Money, weed, or a single kick to the balls any time within the next calender months. Repayment outside of the aforementioned options can be negotiated and considered within reason.
Thou shall not celebrate other people's birthdays as if they were thy own
I just watched some guy take a shot of jack Daniels, chase it with a shot of ciroc & then violently rip his pants off. You have to come here.
I need to shower three times. First to be clean, second to wash off all sins, and third will classify as baptism.
Need to find a Santa hat to fit my penis, he deserves to be festive too.
We broke up. And I told him he better give me my fucking star wars movies tomorrow. Priorities.
It might look like I curled my hair last night but it's just the jiz.
I woke up with masking tape on my nipples this morning........... WHY DO BAD THINGS HAPPEN TO GOOD PEOPLE
my favorite part of this morning was sitting at the gynecologist smelling like cigarettes and wearing yesterday's clothes.
Randomize
