He decided not to draw dicks on my face when I passed out because he was afraid I'd retaliate and superglue his dick to his stomach....he knows me too well.
All I had with a note saying that my shoes are in the ceiling and good luck.
okay, please tell me Cammy is the one who put the picture and note on my desk saying "beat off to this homeboy"
Blood and glitter go together right?
accidentally stumbled into a construction site at 3am on the way home. The bulldozer was locked so we had to settle for rerouting traffic with all the orange cones...
Apparently stumbling across interstate bridges is not cause for concern but screaming Wookie noises at cars is. Thanks, cops.
How on earth did you break your wrist?
I went into someone's yard so I could pee and I found a tireswing
You left me a voice message at 5 a.m. It was mostly incoherent noise, you screaming my name and then something about a man with two butt holes...
yeah, I don't think I'm getting into the baseball game tonight. The security guard definitely saw me bowl over that child.
It was the cape. I can't control myself when I wear a cape.
Your favorite boobs are sending you seasons greetings
Well just give me the address, I'll bring the bourbon. If they let that into mental institutions
Me: I shouldn't go to the airport bar it's too expensive and I don't need it. Dark me: SHOTS AT 7 AM
Can I just swipe right on his dad?
He woke me with blue berry pancakes and a blow job. He's a keeper.
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