You really coming over, don't trick.
you used progresso chicken soup as a mixer last night
I'm eating my dinosaur chicken nuggets in the order they would die in the food chain.
this is never going to happen for me, I think he thinks I'm crazy
well you did scream "PLEASE! I'LL S YOUR D IN FRONT OF EVERYONE"
Dude, I found another chunk missing out of my tooth. Fuck drinking on tuesdays.
I'm making tacos. Give me one good reason why we shouldn't be high while eating those tacos.
I am actually insulted by the long string of ugly, fat girls he hooked up with after me.
The window painters skipped us. They didn't know what to do with the giant SMOKE WEED in the window. So they just skipped it.
Kinda forgot to grab tampons. Mind if I run to my house to get one? I'd rather not turn my green skinny jeans Christmas colors
Dude, I came home and you were passed out halfway through the front door in your Minnie Mouse outfit... with a beer still in hand
I shaved my pussy for you. If you complain about a single hair that I missed again, you will be greeted by a bush the next time you go down on me and i will MAKE YOU KEEP GOING
i just found my fake in the snow. LIFE IS AWESOME
My favorite part of you downing a fifth of fireball in my apartment by yourself is the shot glass in the sink. It's like you attempted moderation and were just like "Fuck this."
He wanted to watch a Charlie Brown thanksgiving. But I was like, fuck that, I'm a grown up. So we watched jumanji and I sucked his dick.
Sometimes in life you just have to realize the security deposit isn't worth it.
Randomize
