Solid performance last night. Wanna be fuck buddies?
He better hope I dont die soon. Because I would haunt his bitch ass and cock block 24/7
Well at one point you put icyhot on your feet because you lost your shoes and it was snowing outside.
She got mad when I told her I'd bone her mom. She got MORE mad when her mom heard, and was flattered by it. Proud to say I attract MILFS.
Nothing like a little anal leakage to start off Sunday morning. Can't decide if that speaks well of my weekend or not...
You pulled the fire alarm because you had to shit and there was someone in the bathroom. you said you needed privacy
Apparently, his doctor was impressed with how well we took care of his leg. We're like the kings of naked triage.
Currently emptying half-full wine bottles from fridge into my mouth and refilling with water for later. Drunk survivalist recycling!
I told him to pick up the beer can he threw in front of the police station. So he gets out chugs whatever's left and throws it back and says ok let's go.
I try new drugs instead of new boys. That way you can't scold me about the importance of condoms
I can smell the sangria seeping out of my pores
Getting robbed by hookers is def a right of passage in a mans life
I'm discussing Magic Mike with my mom and totally get why she thinks I'm gay.
Welp just ran into my high school history teacher while buying a pregnancy test...there goes my veil of innocence in this town.
you were so high you just watched the elf.... its spring
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