make sure to take notes today. there is a guy in a wheelchair who might be getting a DUI from a cop on horseback. I'm gonna see this through.
its 10 pm and i am cleaning vomit off the ceiling. i am nowhere near drunk enough for this to be funny.
we were canoeing in the lake and i asked if he was too drunk for this, and he said "don't worry about it, i'm half native american"
I need a therapist, but moreover we are going to be really drunk.
Daquari drive throughs 24 hours a day. LORD HAVE MERCY
Taking shots of gin by myself out of TMNT glasses and chasing with bites of chocolate cake. AMERICA.
I renamed his cat Jeff last night. Well I spray painted it on him.
Do not tell me that that is not the face of a man who has sex with goats.
my pupils became my eyes and i slept with a cloth in my mouth again
Whenever I'm hungover I try to stay in public as much as possible, hoping to be a cautionary tale to children. It's a public service, really.
This guy on Hoarders just said "we're all about 4 or 5 decisions away from shitting in a bucket". True dat
It's not even 6 am and I've already told my mom to fuck herself in the face
There is absolutely a 0% chance my hips will make it out of this twerking business fully functional
I figure blowing aggressively into a harmonica is better than screaming, "GET THE FUCK AWAY FROM ME YOU SOCIOPATHIC SUCCUBUS" to my sister, in the middle of an auditorium, during my mothers college graduation ceremony.
Drunk purchased a negligee, plan b, keds and Himalayan salt shot glasses.. there’s only one reasonable purchase there, and we both know it’s not the sneakers
Randomize
