So the girl I hooked up with last night pretended to be from Comcast when my girlfriend stopped by this morning. She even made a fake appointment to check her internet. Best hookup ever.
I'm in the library if you wanna come give me library head.
My dream of liquor pitchers came true
Found her. Shes unconscious up against the room door. Her credit card is in the keycard slot
Come back. She's looking through naked pics of his exes on his phone and questioning him about them and I'm too drunk to walk away.
YOU ARE NOT A BOTTLE OF RUM THEREFORE I DONT KNOW HOW TO LOVE YOU
All these girls I talk to are like I've never had a hangover and I'm like you don't drink right here let me show you
If your plan is to re-bang every girl you banged in high school - you're gonna need a spread sheet and clip board.
Are you really surprised she can't remember? That's like 50 people. I couldn't rattle off all 50 state capitols off the top of my head, you're bound to forget a few here and there
You know your acid trip is going well when the orange you're eating gives you a life lesson
It kind if looked like a strap-on dressed up for Halloween.
Our drunk hook up was interrupted by the delivery guy. When he came back to my room we ate the gyros and went back to sex like we didn't take a lunch break.
I asked for a cup of water. They gave me tequila. They WANT ME TO DIE
Well, at least you look pretty when you're disgusted
After returning from the hospital with lock-jaw from getting tackle at the game. Some naked chick busted out of his room and hit him with a devastating haymaker to the jaw because he wouldn't have sex
Randomize
