Im mastering the way to pass gas silently.
When he was fingering me, it felt/looked like he was digging around for pocket change.
I need to write the inventor of adderall a thank you note stapled to a copy of my degree
I'm just gonna go nail your roommate after we break up anyway.
i have this gut feeling friday is going to be interesting.\nAnd by interesting I mean I feel like im going to get punched in the face by his girlfriend.
We were Chugging coronas for the soul purpose of launching limes out of the 3rd story window, I'd say it was a good weekend
Sounds like she has 4 first names. Like a sad version of Ricky bobby
That's the 3rd time I've gone home with her and she passed out on me. I poured 6 boxes of cereal on her and left
Just walked in and got handed a drink. Good service
Hiding in a kitchen with no pants orange juice abs a pillow...please joun
I haye tequella
Tell me why i'm looking through my medical records and the last thing it said about my labor was 'vagina was explored'!?
Now swiping left on 23-year-olds with abs. Is this adulting?
What's that? Is there a bottle of Jack calling me? I think so...
A guy just threw up in my lecture of 500 ppl and just got up and walked away
So I tried to catch a rabbit in Terraria & accidentally blew it up with a grenade made of bees. Monty Python would be proud.
Randomize
