you didnt have any toilet paper so I just took a shower
The paper boy just woke me up in the front yard again.
she called my cock the "semen sword" and then we invented a position called excalibur
I'm buying a chandelier at walmart. WHO'S CLASSY NOW, BITCHES.
just opened a can of spagetti o's with a butter knife. the things u will do for food when ur stoned.
She was drinking straight whiskey out of her peacock shaped vase again.
They woke me up at 4 in the morning screaming "drunk adventure time!" because they needed a sober chaperone. They made me walk them around the block shoeless.
After she cried and passed out at four in the morning, I had a very lovely, very drunken conversation with her mother while decorating a cake into the shape of a penis.
Honestly I'm so excited to go to bed I feel as if I don't deserve to be in my early twenties.
Things I Learned Tonight: I have no future in goat wrangling. Herding. Whatever you call the ridiculosity that just transpired.
And also the fact that I woke up sandwiched between two gay men is probably fueling my day
This morning i put band aids over my nipples bc i was too lazy to put on a bra. Think I've reached a new low.
I'm eating pizza in the bathtub
I just had a 30-minute convo with an irrelevant fuckboy from college who decided to tell me FOUR years later he’s sorry for sleeping with 3 girls at once including me.
Heyyyy, naked guy in your kitchen, can i ask you a quick question about a legal situation in pb??
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