i told him i was on my period. he said, and i quote "can we not just lay down some newspapers or something?"
So he sent me a text that said "say hi to your vajayjay for me"
Was there any message he wanted you to relay to your asshole?
the coke olympics were a bad idea. there's a tree uprooted in the front of my building.
Did you know they have alcohol AND weed delivery in Canada??? I'm not EVER coming home
So, apparently I made everyone omelets last night. Even when I'm drunk, I'm still a trophy wife.
Im sure that doesnt mean its ruined... It was your bithday you get a free "im drunk at 7 am" card
you humped every kiosk in the store. then you asked for an application.
He just made me apologize because his morning wood is NOT a laughing matter.
I thought the cops would know I was on shrooms because I was 10ft tall.
We spilled a whole bottle of mouth wash and then proceeded to roll around and make out in it. At least I smell minty fresh.
Well we were going to compare notes, but all I could remember was throwing up, and all she could remember was kissing, so then we decided to not compare anything.
I made one of my coworkers cheers to me not being pregnant. I've never talked to him before tonight. Keeping it classy.
Dude so help me god I WILL weigh a penis one day
Dude. All I know is that I woke up on the floor with two naked chicks who don't speak English.
Clutch
My friends said as soon as you walked in, I motor boated you like there was no tomorrow.
Yeah, I liked it.
Randomize
