I definitely just put my boxers on backwards.
haha now u have to piss out ur bum
explain to me why "crisis hotline lolz" is in my contacts?
I just typed 14 shots of Smirnoff into my calorie count toolbar. Then typed pole dancing 1.5hrs into the calorie burner search. Should break even.
Imagine a baby lion feeding on an injured gazelle and it tasting fresh blood for the first time. That's me and this breakfast sammich
I cannot believe we're comparing my vagina to Mary Poppins and a black hole.
Shit, I may have left some acid in your bathroom last night. Has he been in there lately.
Between the plague n the counterfeit drugs we brought back from mexico I'm not thinking too highly of their country right now. Screw mexican homeless men.
i don't think they understood the house was collapsing. they kept dancing and jumping and asking for more cups.
I also turned off the Anchorman DVD start menu before cause I didn't want Will Ferrel watching me lose my virginity.
After last night I think its official. Deep down, we like alcohol more than we like women.
it's the amount of time you spend on preventing me from puking that really cements this friendship
So how do I get back in good graces for trying to trade you for superbowl tickets?
I just dropped a condom on the floor at costco in front of my girlfriend and her husband. Today is not going to go well.
She's eating hot cheetos out of the bag with chopsticks, Matt, how is she NOT my soulmate?
He slept outside in his hammock, and then took a lawn chair with him in the shower because he was too drunk to stand up.
Randomize
