the line for where the wild things are looks like radiohead had sex with an urban outfitters
I just five second ruled a donut I dropped at starbucks, everyones staring
Just left some random in my bed to go get mcdonalds breakfast. I'd say my priorities are on point.
I just want a box on franzia all to myself. Just me, my wine, my tears, & my self loathing.
So I passed out with my boxers on in the hotel jacuzzi at 5am.. The manager who kicked me out was pretty cute so I left my name and number for her at the front desk. I'm giving it a 50/50 she calls.
All I could think about when I saw her was that she could be the mother of my future first round draft picks
My entire summer has consisted of being too drunk for this shit, too sober for this shit, or too hungover for this shit.
Given he decided my interview was a date, showed up drunk and insisted on carrying me everywhere, we weren't off to a good start.
I got a lap dance from a guy last night dressed as a school girl. Heels and all. His heels got stuck in my fish nets
Stealing, and booze. If only you added meaningless sex with random people you would have wrapped all your life passions together
You asked for his ID and then said "I am like a bouncer but for my vagina."
I'm trying to be sexual and you're sending me smashmouth lyrics
please tell me you're the one making all the weird noise in the yard..
nothing like waking up to a voice mail saying your std test came back negative
He kept spinning my wedding ring like thanks buddy I remember
Randomize
