Very drunk. laura says hi. i can't find my pants. i think i'm in philly, but it might be jersey somewhere
i can't put facebook on my resume under hobbies.
its like randi wears special contacts, but instead of colors they make her eyes say "I want cock"
you called to congratulate me on being the reason you lost never have i ever
I didn't mean to leave you there I just didn't know him well enough to throw up in his bathroom.
Some drunk guy thought my knee scooter was the sexiest thing he's ever seen. He then proceeded to ask me about duck hunting and decoys...
Got laid in my rudolph onesie for the second year in a row. New tradition? Absolutely.
he may or may not have motorboated me on the steps of the library of congress
I dunno what's worse, the fact that I hooked up with a guy that shaves his armpits or that I didn't notice until he brought it up the next day
So how exactly do I backtrack from motorboating and ass grabbing?
She pinched my nipples out of nowhere as I was about to come... I think I found god
I woke up to a stripper (who added me on Facebook) messaging me reminding me to cancel my card if I can't find it
I put purple lights under my bed and asked him if he wanted to fuck in a spaceship.
I miss my teeeeeeeeth. They're in a bag in my hand.
So I took a screenshot of my boarding pass and the TSA agent somehow swiped it to the next photo. Yep...TSA saw my dick before I even went through the body scanner.
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