girl next to me is signing up for tough love. definitely getting laid.
I sold 10 pepperonis for 5 dollars last night....i fucking love drunk people
I queefed so loud it echoed.
She left a blanket, pillow, a glass of water, and two advils in the bathroom for me. It's like she knew. Best room mate ever.
mhmm. we know where to go, which places have free bathrooms, how long you can be in one until its sketchy, we have this down to a science. we're like the college sophomore pregaming dream team
I really couldn't care less what she looks like. That's why The Lord Our God gave us doggy-style.
Had to snap chat three different people to ask who left the bite mark on my thigh. All three said "Wasn't me". Now I can't wear a bathing suit to my mom's pool.
Cause I know you wanna ride the D like a Vespa in ROMAN HOLIDAY
THE AUSTRALIAN IS SINGLE AS FUCK.
At what point can I admit that I hate going to house parties?
I don't wanna stand in your shitty kitchen making small talk while I guard the quality booze I brought.
I went to smoke a bowl and realized that my lighter is out and there's still frozen blueberries in my bong... I need to reevaluate my life...
On the way to have sex with my ex's roommate... I have hit a new low
I walked in..crop dusted the whole place then asked her if she wanted to go to a place that smells better.
You were always a thinker
She said she hasn't cheated on me in 7 and a half days and she'd like praise for that.
Last night when we were having sex he put the condom on backwards the first time. While he was putting the second one on I blew up the first one, made it into a balloon and hit him in the head with it. I think we're over the honeymoon stage.
Randomize
