I think I'm going to be in trouble for sneaking out last night. My Dad saw me drive up this morning when he was leaving early for work.
What'd you say?
I told him I was sleep driving
Dude, this old lady messaged me on Facebook talking about her grandson and wanted to know shit about me. I'd almost call her a cougar except she looks like mashed potatoes that have come alive.
Whoever had sex in my bed during the party last night left a glow in the dark condom on my floor. I'm not even mad anymore, I just want to know who it is so they can tell me where to get one.
my mom just asked me, concerned, if I swallowed.
like the only thing i remember is bringing a piece of toast to the bar...
we cut her off and put her in bed but by the time we got back to the drinks she was already there shirtless. she's the topless tequila ninja
Attn: you have now used your free, one time admission to pleasure town. Thank you for visiting I hope you enjoyed your trip. All future trips to P.T. Will cost you full admission price. We have different pricing plans to accommodate different situations, and remember it is more of a bartering system than a set price. Your patronage is always welcomed and once again thank you for visiting and have a fantastic evening.
Please tell me why your entire hallway smells like microwaved condoms.
Dude, this guy showed up with a 40 and stayed for two days. I want that lack of responsibility
He called me on my way to the bathroom and told me he wanted to hear me pee my beers out... That. Drunk.
Important update! My next door neighbours have a canoe. Repeat: THEY HAVE A CANOE! We are having sex in it before this summer is over.
Dude, did you fall in a toilet on the way over here?
Was face down in one actually. Bars 2, Drew 0.
I want to go out and have good clean fun.
Ok, but that does not include Bud Light Platinum and your vagina.
Oh my fucking god that cat looks just like you after you accidentally took Ketamine
I just want you to make me second guess my worth as a human. Is that too much to ask?
Randomize
