my mom just informed me that i masturbate loudly
Did we have sex last night or did we just wake up naked covered in oil?
he drunkenly pissed himself on the deck, in the bathroom, and on my couch within the span of an hour
its like an avodart commercial...maybe he has a growing problem
You missed lesbians having sex in the bathroom and the whole bar clapping for them. I had to do recon. It was amazing
If you could watch a water balloon run... That's what it's like watching her run.
Please tell me you're not home alone watching Glitter.
Can you see in?
I fucking love your mom. She's so drunk and fully functional. I aspire to be her one day.
Chilling on my porch debating between pre work drinking or video games and getting high.
Great sex, the promise of us mixing our excellent genetics in the future, and access to drugs are mainly what's holding this relationship together at the moment
ted dressed as a cardinal led an expedition across campus. i felt like one of the 12 apostles.
I'm about to have a threesome at the hotel where I had my quinceañera. Becoming a woman under this roof for the second time, whaaat
Eating an avocado like an apple while doing shots of fireball and watching finding nemo. I need to get my shit together.
how did you set a fucking salad on fire????????
I swear, I make more use of my creative writing major with sexting than I do with anything else
He was gone for 5 minutes, opened the car door and said, "Don't eat my shit." and dropped Chipotle on the passenger seat. He was gone for another 10 minutes and came back with Coldstone. That stoned.
Randomize
