I woke up in a strange girl's bed and rifled through her mail to get her name.
if she shaves her mustache, i'll let her give me head
he literally had a slideshow of all the girls hes had sex with pictures set to american woman
We asked an illegal alien to buy us beer. He didn't even want a tip. I'm going to Washington to plead that case.
Well, it was good.. One step forward for my vaj.. One giant leap backwards for my integrity.
This guy randomly got in our taxi, and has now collapsed on the sofa anouncing that he's staying the night.
I'm like five sips away from making a Craigslist post for true love and mustaches. My family is going to disown me tonight.
Also, yes, I look pretty rough. But my ovaries fought back this morning so getting dressed decently was not a priority.
Well. I guess talking about me stealing your wife may not be in the list of legit conversations
Sometimes turtles just really trip me out man
Would jacking off with Benadryl cream be good or bad for the poison oak on my dick?
The last thing I searched on my phone was "leave in conditioner on cats." This is where my life is.
I'm drinking apple juice and champagne while watching crossroads..like the classy bitch that i am.
I just want to eat chicken fingers and drink beer and smoke in bed with my laptop so I can watch Netflix
So your not doing THAT great with the break up then...
I'm about to take plan-b with a glass of wine and ramen noodles. I cannot decide who will hurt more...my vagina, my kidneys or my pride.
Randomize
