he looked like jesus. just the kind of jesus i would have sex with.
They are baked and once again have spent the last 45 mins talking about opening up a world wide business called "pickle on a stick"
I am not sure which is more amazing; The fact that she offered me sex, beer AND nachos, or that she can properly use a semi-colon at her current blood alcohol level.
You talked about giving to sperm banks on a first date. What did you expect?
The air was thick with penises
You're obviously not trying hard enough. GET LAID. Kittens die for less.
Touche salesman.
I FINALLY HAVE A REASON TO DYE MY PUBES BLUE!!!
Are you awake? Because I would like to know whether or not I should refrain from giving my evil laugh when I enter the apartment...
Hey! Welcome back! How was the bachelorette in Vegas?
A safari of penis I hurt to the core
I just had to take my laptop away from him because he was on Amazon and had 20 Seahawks garden gnomes in his cart.
Serio, who the fuck falls down coming offstage wearing nothing but pasties, a g-string, and a fake moustache, and now suddenly needs a tetanus shot. Me. That's who.
I'm tripping pretty hard right now but every time a Volvo drives by I feel like everything is gonna be alright
My ex's new girlfriends ex boyfriend is getting me my nipples pierced for Valentine's Day so who's the real winner here
honestly i've never been more attracted to you than when you threw up on my floor
Put on my pants to go to work and discovered they had melted.
Randomize
