Herpes is a lot like Arnold Schwartzenneger. Because it always comes back. Also, because it is usually in some way in control of California.
There's a show on bravo about fat people dancing. FAT PEOPLE. DANCING.
This is god's gift to the unemployed.
According to Glamour magazine, experiencing sexual pleasure helps you live longer. I am dying an early death.
so i turned around to do some reverse cowgirl when he said that this was such a better visual for him. Bad compliment or serious insult. i cant tell
I just got this text "hi this is Julie, I met you last night in the bathroom. You asked me to text you and remind you that you ate an entire lime, because you figured your sober self in the morning would be confused."
When you text me tomorrow to remind me to mail your parking pass, also remind me to make sure i did NOT pack my vibrator for this family vacation
The two of us decided to throw a spur-of-the-moment parade and the next thing I know we're 4 miles down the road being followed by 65 drunk strangers
I also made him write a nonfiction romance novel about what happened and to give it to me when the time was right
I made out with my former step mother's best friend. Only knew the connection when they both showed up together at the bar.
If by some world ending natural disaster I get into an actual relationship with this kid, should I tell him the truth about the web of lies I've based our current relationship on?
Because my vagina is Ellis Island. All foreign penises must be presented for inspection and competency. God bless America.
Did he hurt you? I have a crowbar I can beat his sorry ass with
I'm just going to assume my unresponsive booty calls are just preparing for the women's march tomorrow
I'm officially disproving the fact that a hoe never gets cold bc this hoe is COLD.
I have blood and BBQ sauce all over my shirt. I blame you for the blood.
Randomize
