Its official, cigarettes are now more expensive than weed
Katie Perry lied, you can't just wake up and shake the glitter off your clothes.
Divorce is final. Doing tequila shots at 1 in the afternoon.
He asked if I wanted to "hang out"
A verb which here means "do lines off my dick"
You know it was a good weekend when; you leave a bi-lingual letter of apology on top of a stack of cash for hotel housekeeping.
It was an 11am booty call. We were both out of our element.
She wasnt impressed wen i brought a guy for her back with me, a 3am impromptu sperm donor is not a gd birthday present. Im a bad gf.
What changed your mind?
Being sober
He was so hammered. He called the cops on the landscapers he thought they were trespassing. 2 were arrested on warrants.
No! Last time I got hit with a beer bottle
Haha, Tuesday man
eating chex mix on the couch when he walks in naked and asks how he looks. are you shitting me.
All I can think of is a mama duck followed by her baby ducks, in brightly colored track shoes.
How high are you?
I was really hoping my 420 would involve a lot more weed and a lot less buttholes
Got myself invited to boss's family dinner party, drank too much, and fucked boss's brother in his parent's house. Just another Wednesday.
All I'm saying is there better be a bow on your dick for my birthday
Randomize
