im never drinking mad dog again and i have your belt.
You drank the expired grape juice because you were convinced it had fermented into wine...you have a problem.
I was curling my hair today and I looked at my curling iron and thought...
You at least unplugged it right?
She just messaged me 19 sad faces.
It was a sobriety test blowjob. If he could get it up, he could get me home.
It was like being fucked by the god of thunder, he gained power from the storm. I took a Plan B because I don't think regular birth control will stop Thor's sperm.
OH BABY IM HERE AND IN A BLANKET FORT
COME TO THE BLANKET FORT
being sober in physics class makes me realize the regularity with which i show up to it still drunk
just woke up under a car ? That's odd
Holy fucking shit
WAIT BUT IM WEARING A BACKPACK THAT MAGICALLY HAS 30 BEERS IN IT
You were my sober police. You had one job and you failed miserably.
I'm a corrupt cop.
Thanks for fucking me in last night
TUCKING. TUCKING ME IN LAST NIGHT
fyi, pepper spray hurts. whoever comes up with the best backstory wins a prize.
No I did a yoga dvd and hit my ex up via email for some pot in exchange for his mail.
she just kept straddling the railing to the stairs and shouting "come on Seabiscuit, lets win this for America."
The people around me on the bus dont know im wearing glowsticks under my clothes. I feel like a super hero.
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