The world needs more lipstick lesbians, if anything.
My fight-or-flight response is really more fight-or-fuck
I don't want to talk about her cat for two hours only to dry hump till I'm blistered. Not worth it.
we just bought Vicodin from the Chinese delivery guy, this day just keeps getting better.
Do you remember Kelly my alter personality? She talked like a man and would sing amazing grace?
I just wanna be like "dude your gf's on a porn site" but i just dont know if i have the heart.
Random memory from the wedding, the bartender showed us how to open the windows and piss out of them.
Some kid just stopped wherever he was walking, turned to me, and gave me a slow clap. So I'm pretty sure my walk of shame beats yours.
Well his arms broken so they only cuffed his good wrist to his belt. That's how he cast smacked me in custody.
Pretty sure I just puked up sand. And nothing else.
I'm about to punish you for sending me a Snapchat of your boyfriend's morning wood
I'm on the porch day drinking and the neighbor is in his yard screaming about his amazing sandwiches, maybe we should move.
WE'RE MOVING TO IRELAND!!!! DON'T ASK QUESTIONS JUST BOOK THE DAMN FLIGHT!!!!
They gave my sperm a pep talk after they found out we were trying.to have.a baby.
I’m sorry I pressured you for dick pics.
Randomize
