i wanna stay in my bed and fart for a few more hours
eww mummy girl is here...
what the fuckk. i just want to hold her down, wax her eyebrows, and give her some morals.
I just found a receipt from ace where I bought 1 lrg plastic funnel, 2ft of 1" plastic tubing, and a 48" toboggan sled. Thank you cashier #552 for letting that poor life decision happen.
On second thought, trying to signify she was a butter face by wiping my bagel on her cheek may not have been in my best of interests
It's only 11:30 and she's already making friends with the homeless...
Dude. The girls called me over to see what they had in their dorm. They snuck in a pigeon in a cardboard box. They named it Quincey. They swear they're sober.
He was showing him the picture of the 40 year old woman he made out with in Florida, turns out Chris made out with the same woman.
Go her
So much to do, haven't done anything except hook up with sailors and work on my tan.
My mom just gave me my fake back to buy her more wine.
You forget how awesome toilet paper is until you have to wipe your ass with a piece of notebook paper...
My mouth is so dry that I'm about to put a straw in a jar of Vaseline and chug. This all addi diet definitely has its ups and downs.
I was just at home taking Vicodin for a week straight. Talk about a vacation.
I don't get it. Why have babies when you can have vodka?
She told me to take deeps breaths and I said I said YOU FUCKING TAKE A BREATH CAROL IM SURE IF YOU WERE IN MY POSITION YOU WOULD HAVE OFFED YOURSELF ALREADY and she said my name is Becky 😂
Clearly the Stanley Cup Finals good luck hand job IS necessary. You let the whole team down.
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