dude we were spooning naked in bed with her ass in my crotch. she sharted in her sleep all over my dick.
Oh no, it isn't official until she poops.
mom brought her knitting needles with her. its bad enough to be in the ER on new years, but to be with the knitting parent!?
I had to find out that I peed in the box of baby clothes from my mom, who found out from my grandma. New low.
Want to come over? I'm getting stoned and watching Netflix and making s'mores over a candle in my room
You may be in san diego, but I just watched a guy in a wheelchair sing walking in memphis for karaoke. Check and mate.
He said I showed up in just my underwear and a bunch of towels I stole from the party I was at.
Hey sorry for being annoying last night, I just realized how many times I yelled "JORDAN!" during and after playing pong.
I just sang Hey Jude with a homeless man and then we drank beer together. Then I watched asians take pictures under a xmas tree for an hour and fell asleep in an MGM Grand bathroom stall. #AloneinVegas
If i'm forever fucked up in this state of mind then I'm going to kill him for this
NO I WILL NOT SET YOU UP WITH MY TWIN WHAT THE HELL IS WRONG WITH YOU?!? JUST BECAUSE I WONT BLOW YOU DOESNT MEAN YOU CAN STALK HER AS A BACKUP PLAN YOU SPANISH BASTARD
maybe one of us should just pity fuck him and get it over with.
I told her we had to stay at the bar until at least midnight because that's when my direct deposit hit, don't tell me i'm not responsible
It's slightly odd going to a booty call during morning rush hour with everyone else going to work.
I just made deviled eggs for everyone not passed out. Im officially becoming a drunk chef.
Randomize
