i looked at dads computer and apparently he was looking at job ads on craigslist and the only one clicked that turned purple said "GET PAID TO MASTURBATE"
i just carried on a conversation with my mother from another room mid-ejaculation. you would have done the same
Fail #1 I puked off the balcony onto the balcony below us and when I tried to pour water on it in the morning to wash it off it just went all over their deck. Sorry room 1342 but welcome to Jamaica
I am literally too baked to press the call button. How am I supposed to bone him?
It's like there's a party and my mouth and everyone's throwing up
I scrubbed the bathroom, smoked a bowl, and gave myself 3 orgasms. If the world ends today, I feel accomplished.
Chicken strips. I got my nose broken because of Chicken strips.
Is this girl REALLY making a smoothie in the bathroom right now?
Security deposit gone.
burned down garage with fireworks.
Is it possible to sluttify a hobbit costume? Cause if so, this will be my biggest accomplishment.
I just laughed so hard that my back cracked so hard that I thought I was cumming. Magic
Everyone is like kids first day of school and I'm over here like I need to stop sleeping with random
Well, I got fired yesterday. At least I already paid for my Adele tickets.
I'm not sure. I have to find the Greeks I was with last night and see if they can explain to me why I can't hear out of my right ear and why I look like I got the shit kicked out of me
Fuck you. All I remember from last night is telling random people that I'm in a "judgement free zone" then I threw up
Randomize
