I made out with a fat chick last night in a hot tub... btw I am breaking up with you
I learned much from the teen babysitter: I can light a cigarette in a microwave.
She went to the bathroom before i broke up with her so i changed all 2500 of her songs on her computer to "I'm a cheating whore"
I just heard a girl in all seriousness say, "I told him I'm not a stalker. I just really really want to talk to him."
Also I'd like you to set a calendar reminder that goes off every day for you to take 2 minutes to think about what your life would be like without me.
It's not my fault you have a job and can't get drunk on Tuesday's. Don't take your frustrations out on me!
I told him if he went to see magic mike with me I'd cover his eyes during the penis parts
In sex ed. they really need to include a lesson on saying tampon in foreign languages, just in case.... Trying to ask the woman at the reception desk, who barely speaks English, for one just turned into an awkward game of charades.
Last I saw, they went for a smoke and only one came back. He passed out outside. I'm glad he's only 120lbs. I left him on the rug still. My mom is gonna be pissed.
Would it be weird to jack off in the hospital?
I feel you. We can get adjoining rooms. It'll be like Disney world, but with drugs and ivs instead of roller coasters and Mickey Mouse.
Which is way cooler
I have no inclination to even want to think about what God's existential meltdown is going to be like. O.o
I changed his name in my phone to "Irrelevant" last night. Not changing it back.
My "lord keep me from stabbing a bitch" prayer has gotten a lot of miles today
Hopefully he gets to dig deep into my body, before he digs deep into my past ..
Randomize
