her name is jenna, so i wanna cunt punt her
that's how i am about ashleys and britneys
I just found out how hard it is to put together a fake Christmas tree with a hangover.
New years is officially the only time its okay to drunk dial your parents.
I think the waitress doesn't beleive I have friends coming. I've had 4 drinks and a large salad just waiting for you guys.
My own mom unfriended me on Facebook.
Dude. She told me she felt bad for not giving me more blojobs. HOW COULD THAT HAVE GONE BETTER?
He's only a little bit crosseyed.
I think this is one situation where "a little bit" doesn't mean much.
In the sauna. Drunk. When I close my eyes I think I'm a dog. Is that wrong?
I thought he was being really sweet and protective when he pulled me away from the guy i was hooking up with, but turns out he just wanted me to get chicken nuggets with him...
we're all going for beer and wings at 7. inflate your girlfriend and bring her along too.
Dude, you kicked in the door to get to a six-person orgy while yelling "I JUST WANT TO LEARN!!"
He was so aggressive it felt like he was giving my boob a root cannal
I was gonna respond but i couldnt figure out a way to rearrange 'fuck his brains out' to sound grammatically correct
I just want to smoke weed and be the little spoon all winter. My modern day hibernation.
He had a small dick and screamed "I will kill you if you don't get hard" to it in German...awkward time to have to explain I speak German too...
This is why you need to stop sleeping with freshmen.
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