I realize that when i start making 24-themed music videos in my head to the song 'love is a battlefield' that i really need to get out more
i have received so many congratulations texts this morning. sleeping with him really was a good decision.
and then he proceeded to take what he called, a whip cream shower.
OH MY GOD MY GRANDMA JUST SHOWED ME HER BOOB OH. MY. GOD.
I came out, you were peeing on the car and when I asked why you said it deserved it because its a rental
First of all you can never say anal too much. Second I now think you're a total gentleman.
Rarely has that paragraph ever been put together
So if a girl goes for it you're gonna stop her and tell her you gave up ejaculation for lent?
I love you, but it's "shark week" I'll make it up to you with naked breakfast.
My mom sucked on that joint like a nipple and she was a fucking newborn
Where'd you go last night?
Don't EVER let me photobomb a group of lesbians again. They made me their "straight mascot" and I ended up singing Donna summer tunes for beers at their apartment complex.
If I'm not drunk and wearing a penguin hat by the time we are done opening Christmas presents then coming home for Christmas was a complete failure
Just when I decided to go get a taco and a blunt cake it starts raining. Coincidence? or divine intervention?
day drinking caused me to be in bed at a decent time. can't complain.
My hair tie broke, stole my one-night stands daughters pink sparkly one. BEST hair-tie I have ever used...
I also guarantee you multiple orgasams and blueberry pancakes
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