I just came so hard I farted. Twice. Thank God I'm alone.
so how does one go about finding a summer fling?
take advantage of an intern
yeah so our basement was flooded 4 feet. we just smoke and drank and then went swimming. gotta make the best out of it
i realized our last day of finals is on cinco de mayo....it's god's way of saying drink ridiculous amounts of tequila and wear sombreros
Just wrote the directions to get to the girls house im hooking up with on the back of my marriage certificate. Officially worst husband ever.
I was the last girl at the bar last night. It was like a battle royale between 10 guys.
If kinky sex was an Olympic sport they would be playing the anthem for me as we speak.
Thanks be to the Goddess of Whores!! I straightened my bed before Ken got here. Found Calvin's boxers in the sheets!!!!
That all sounds beautiful. All I have to offer is my shining personality, extensive amounts of space knowledge, and I hear I am pretty not sucky at sucking dick
So please don't worry, but I need some help getting blood out of my drywall so I can get my security deposit back. I would not ask if the need was not great.
My roomate had an hour long melt down about her life choices not realizing I was in the middle of having sex... So yea it went pretty horribly.
Hey, sorry for threatening to teabag your mom to death last night
I threw up in my brother's Easter basket
I don't know how to say "Sorry I was banging your boyfriend before I knew about you but you're awesome and we should hang out." without just saying it.
I'm taking pictures of my asshole to send to my boss. This is not what I had in mind the day after thanksgiving.
Randomize
