apparently the 911 operator took drunk dialing waaayy too seriously
At first I was confused when I woke up with shards of glass and pickle brine in my pants. But then I remembered I hung out with you last night.
His sister just told me that she thinks i'm a stupid bitch and that by going thru with this I'm ruining his life.
sounds like a hell of a rehearsal dinner
We role played last night. I was Brandon Inge and she was some slut from Toledo. Let's just say Triple A might not be so disappointing after all.
I'm calling in my "fuck at anytime anywhere" card. Meet me at my place in 20 min, wear your Waldo costume.
I need something for rope burns and an inner ear infection. Separate incidents, FYI..
Why do guys insist on chatting me up this early in the morning? I'm just like "Dude, I look like the bastard child of Einstein and a troll doll. Let me eat my Hot Pocket in peace."
New war strategy! The ex-girlfriend of my ex-girlfriend is now my twice a week booty call!
That last one reminds me of the time we smoked that foot-long joint and by the time we'd finished we were so stoned we applauded it.
Sexy intern needs to have caveman sex with me
Honestly after an incomprehensible political rant yoga seems like the best option at 2 am
Whenever someone said no you would yell "Die Motherfucker." Kind of like some twisted drinking game.
FUCK YOU IM DRINKING WINE FROM A BOX
You okay there or need a ride? Maybe a straw for your box
Maybe a straw...
I wore my old cheerleading uniform.. He came before I even touched his dick. Should I be irritated, or flattered?
Right after i got done cumming i sat back and gave a big Ric Flair "WOOOOOO!"
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