2 bagels in my tummy and my herpes on my mind
how can getting a pizza be this hard?
when you've been drinking 14 hours anythings impossible
Mowing drunk should be an olympic sport...
Screw it. I'll show up in a white dress with a sign that says " I fucked the groom and it wasn't that great."
The important thing is not that we avoid making mistakes, but that we avoid learning from them.
Yeah. I had to take off my shirt. It's soaked in weakness.
When you called me you were telling a hobo that you couldn't spare ten bucks bc that was your beer money. All your words were slurred.
Fuck him.
Would it be appropriate to cancel a hookup to watch the golden globes?
absolutely. tina fey and amy poehler trump everything.
I'm so high. Midnight pancake breakfast in bed
you know i have almost 1500 fb friends but not ONE drunk booty call?
you can't tell me not to come to work cause roads are bad then ask me an hour later to come in and expect me to be sober
Like woke up with a dick piercing kind of drunk.
Being pregnant feels like you have a hangover everyday.. Don't listen to what anyone says about how wonderful it is
What's the blow job-backrub exchange rate these days? I've got some killer stress knots
WAIT YOU’VE NEVER BEEN TO COSTCO???
COSTCO IS MAGICAL
I can’t believe you two made a group text to scream at me about Costco.
Randomize
