The producers of Marley and Me owe me about $5 million. That's the dollar amount of embarrassment compensation required for making a 24-year-old male cry publicly on an airplane while sitting in the middle seat between a gorgeous babe and a guy with a do-rag
i just bought ciggarettes using my court citation as id. I've reached an all time low.
i get tired of guys telling me there married or they have a girlfriend. they act like it concerns or matters to me
Dude we need to petition the city about running buses later, none of my booty calls own cars
My financial advisor filed my girlfriend's abortion under "investments" so my wife wouldn't find out
My roommate is either deadlifting a bus or having sex. I can't tell which
sometimes u just have to say fuck it and help a straight sixteen year old break into her uncles gay bar.
so we were doing it and I was like umm hi im losing my virginity can you take off your beanie
cops tried arresting me on the way to class this morning.. this is my life.
I woke up with my earring stuck inbetween my tits. Somehow you fucked my earring out and my boobs saved it. I'm pretty impressed with both of us right now.
I'm experimenting with sincerity
I made him leave to get me chicken nuggets so I could have sex with his roommate
and then you proceeded to throw soup at him for calling you a bitch...a CAN of soup...
He nailed that bed down really well so it won't break again. All I could think while he was nailing it was "challenge accepted".
My father has a definite type: blonde, busty, 18-22. It was awkward when I was in college, but now I'm over it. I play wingman for him and he buys me expensive purses for the assistance in getting him hooked up with girls younger than me. Win-win.
Randomize