I made her dinner: Beefaroni with grated parmesan cheese on top. Luckily she showed up drunk and gave me head, "For spending so much time preparing."
So, I picked up my 7 ft tall lamp post and used it to close my door. I feel quite accomplished.
hey i found one of your nipple clamps under my couch, i miss you!
Despite fighting the urge to vomit throughout the whole thing, I think that interview went really well!
level of my singleness - just ate a whole pizza topless in bed.
Sober me is really good at getting to the airport on time. Drunk me is really good at shitting my pants. Do you know how much pants cost at the airport????
Can you send me a picture of you not naked, my mom wants to see what you look like
Only thing worse than going to work with a hangover is going to work with a hangover then realizing that u don't have to work that day
Relationships are fuckin' work. And you can't just up and leave with no questions when you really just need to get home because you're about to shit your pants.
You're so wise.
Tabs I had open this morning: "15 hedgehogs with things that look like hedgehogs" and an unexplored google search for "how do I express my love of tacos"
just shotgunning some tallboys in the cooler, you?
HOW DO YOU GET RAISES EVERY TWO WEEKS?!
You can't talk like Dr. Evil to me five minutes after the greatest orgasm of my life.
pizza hut and my weed lady just showed up at the same time. I feel 22 again.
How weird is it that 2 people I've had sex with have the same birthday and they don't even know each other
With a word you would own me. At your command I would walk to your house completely naked.
Randomize
