Turns out "bordello" doesn't mean what I thought it did.
She said "You blew my mind last night." and I said "nah, I just blew my load." and her mom heard.
im at a party in sweatpants, slippers, and a basketball jersey from the eighth grade, 10 bucks says im still getting laid
no you cant smoke seaweed
Just wanted to remind you that you literally cut the underwear off a man.
Were gonna hotbox in the trunk. I think there's room for another half of a person if you're interested
I accidentally lit my hair on fire and we broke the bed. How was your night?
He's only going to be gone for two weeks
That's two months in gay whore years.
She found my wedding ring, sallowed it and wished me good luck explaining it to my wife before walking out. Now what?
Confession: Sometimes I wear my stolen scrubs to the corner store because people will think I'm a doctor and not just a girl too lazy to change out of her pajamas.
I'm pregnant.
The fact that this number is not in my contacts is giving me hope it's a wrong number???
perfect. if all else fails remind him how anxious he is. talk real fast and induce a panic attack that only I can remedy with xanax.
We're both great liars, in committed relationships, and horny. Its the perfect storm of cheating
She told him that she never wanted to see him again then took his takeout box of bacon cheddar fries and got in the uber saying "for feminism"
IT'S PERFEFT
... what?
HIS DICK. IT'S PERFECT. BYE.
Randomize
