3am cut off hipster s***'s afro on porch. Opened champagne. Felt like delilah cutting off samson's hair. Then shower & anal. So I guess his powers are intact.
you washed your face with toilet water last night.. i tried to stop you but you wouldn't have it.
all i wanna do is slam about 38 beers eat a whole pizza and wake up naked in the taco bell parking lot
Thank God. You really dodged a small penis there.
Banging bitches in a bar bathroom is not legit as it was in college, there are no fistpumps afterward only shame
If this herpes test comes back negative I'm asking out the doctor.
I thought of you while cleaning the forehead prints off my glass doors.
Yeah but he's impersonating a gargoyle jumping off of everything. Including the walls.
Are you asking me on a date where we get shithoused and do some fingerpainting?
Someone asked me why we were having sex on the porch last night. All I remember is him saying he wanted the recruits to see. This has got to stop.
Also, I might need your help for a prank involving a hand puppet, a coke bottle, double-sided tape, and my dick...
Is it counter productive to ride on my exercise bike with a cocktail in hand?
Fucking holidays. How do I have this many men who want to fuck me and none of them are available when I'm ready to blow my top?
I have betrayed my no carb ways & I can feel it.
Embrace it. Come over to the dark side. I'll feed you muffins while stroking your hair.
I'm about to take plan-b with a glass of wine and ramen noodles. I cannot decide who will hurt more...my vagina, my kidneys or my pride.
Randomize