you kept screaming that dicks were growing out of your back and then you started crying cause they were so far from your vag
could you get any more awkward?
you threatened to puke on the table cause they didnt serve eggs Benedict
Please don't ever try giving my cat a hair cut ever ever again
Remember that crazy chick I've been ignoring and said I wouldn't bang her again? Can we start that again part today?
just gonna show up naked this time. that way i dont have to worry about finding my clothes tomorrow
Just think of your bundle of joy thats on its way. And how hes gunna rip your vagina apart
Die.
Who showers for four hours?!
It was like a tropical nap.
Dude I broke her toilet blowing some dude. I wasn't going to turn down the 300$ he offered to fix it.
I threw a hotdog at the security guard and called the bartender "goodlooking for a 35 year old who was rode hard and put away wet"... I would have kicked me out too
When my mom found out he was a high school drop out she was like "seriously? Can we raise the bar a little higher next time kels?" So my moms pretty cool
She said she's different now I guess anytime you get a bible tatt it automatically cancels out all the whoring you did for 10 years
You're 31, how do you still outdrink all these college kids?
Practice, Irish genes, and a lack of desire to live past 40. But mostly practice.
My now ex hook up buddy realized I was hooking up with others when she saw my spotify sex playlist making appearances on fb. fml
WHY ARE THERE SO MANY BURPS IN MY SMALL, INCREDIBLY ATTRACTIVE BODY
but I truly enjoy making out with my best friend more than my boyfriend
Randomize