tonight is going to be epic. can you pre-book an ambulance?
Do you remember that blonde girl he brought home from the bar on Friday night? She didn't leave until Monday afternoon. We didn't even know she was still in his room...what a sketchy weekend.
Thanks for making breakfast. I usually have cereal and coffee...but i think margaritas and turkey sandwiches could catch on.
Girl walking by was talking on the phone about how he needed to write a gratitude list in her letter to god this week. Too stoned
there's a guy pushing a keg up the street in a shopping cart. you have to love graduation
I remember telling you it was cold out because the sun was going to explode and people were going to fight for corn. I feel I've mislead you.
He got punched in the face, dropped his laptop down a flight of stairs, and broke his roommate's lava lamp, getting all the toxic lava goo everywhere. This is why we don't let him get drunk. And yet here we are.
Somebody really needs to come home and pick up the used condom from the middle of the wood room floor. It's blue, if that helps decide who comes - uh, home.
Just stepped off the plane in St. Louis. I'm breaking out in hives, I'm allergic to Midwesterners. Can't WAIT to get the fuck out of here.
I think I should just be a madame. Fuck it.
I'm just gonna post fliers on telephone poles like, "who wantsta be a hooooooe?!"
No. Every time we go there, you end up getting high, then lost, then going home with strangers.
sorry there isn't a 'perfect ass' emoji
I'm done being drunk I wish I could snap my fingers and be sober
YOU DESERVE A GUY WITH A NORMAL DICK DONT SETTLE FOR ANYTHING LESS
look, bitch. one day when everyone i care about deserts me for my severe moral depravity, you're going to be the only one i have.
i can't wait.
Randomize
