I'm not conventionally pretty...I'm just crazy
i soberly give you permission to do that to me when im drunk
Yeah, but thats the third time she's peed on me.
Just bought a pack of cigs...gas station guy informed me i took off my underwear and tried to pop a squat by the milk last night...
French fry pizza
Are you brilliant or just really high?
Can't it be both?
Lets just not get arrested. That might put a damper on everything. I only say that cause i've almost been arrested.
Was behind a guy going 20 for 4 miles I'll be there as soon as the universe quits fucking me
Seriously. What did you do to me. You have a monstercoooooock.
I can't believe I just typed monstercoooooock. Twice.
Can we please get on skype for like 20 seconds so i can show you my penis and the spiderman temporary tattoo that is right above it
Please ask me to tell you about the time I watched two of my friends chase my drunk roommate with a broken foot around downtown
He literally cried into his tacos and screamed fuck bitches. Don't know if it was the best, or the worst hook up, ever.
Rather than admit to myself I've spent $756 at the bar this month, I'm just going to pretend I gave it to a homeless person...kind of makes me feel better.
I said no to friends with benefits because it was too much commitment
I mean, if I asked you, would you cum on cotton candy for me?
Right. He was like "I'll be here all night if I have to..." I was like "Well then, I'll have to call the cops..."
Randomize
