he bit the head off a dead goose for 5 beers. this is my future boyfriend.
My brother just asked if I would keep having one nighters with that guy because he really likes the organic cotton v-necks he leaves behind.
I puked in the urinal of a bar tonight. Not embarrassed cause I got away with it, legitimately upset you weren't there to make fun of me.
HEAR YE, HEAR YE! BY ROYAL DECREE, I WILL BE KNOCKING ON YOUR DOOR AT 2PM UNLESS YOU GET THE FUCK UP. IT'S 1:50. CIGARETTE TIME, BITCH. I LOVE YOU.
I hate that you live in a gated community. I feel your guard judges me every time I go to your house at 3 am an leave at 5am
All i really wanna do tonight is get drunk with you and dance on tables. is that too much to ask?
I went to the bar saying i wasn't going to drink that much. I forgot sobriety might as well be some mythical creature when you're with Holleey
After you tried speaking to him in whale you asked if you could see his "blow hole." That's how bad it was.
If your boss lets you sleep on his couch, you don't pay him back by boning his daughter.
The picture on Facebook I was just tagged in, with the mask, that is the definition of Carmen, my drunk alter ego
But I do cardio so I don't get winded during sex really it's not like I'm trying to lose weight
Surprise court date day!!! Wake the fuck up!
He told me that he wants to fuck me only wearing a princess tiara...How could I possibly say no to that?
I think he was trying to be romantic, but the candle he had lit was the kind you use to repel mosquitoes..
How was I supposed to know the accent was fake before i slept with him
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