Mental picture: Us at a bar keeping it classy shot gunning PBR's in the corner.
That was a good example of when keeping it real goes right
I just saw a man vacuming his front lawn. What is this world coming to?
Today should be called shooting fish in a barrel day. Every place ive gone to ive met a girl who regrets not hooking up last night. There have not been girls this easy since Fathers Day
And my fence, why is part of it on the roof?
I woke up pulling sunflower seeds out of my vagina. That kind of night.
he just asked me for a tag team. like at least let me get changed out of your roommates clothes from last night first...
Thanksgiving Shitshow: My grandparents found me passed out on the bathroom floor wearing nothing but a scarf made of toilet paper
I am almost positive I asked to milk her when I was saying my goodbyes.
I've literally never felt worse
My body feels like its decomposing
I walked into the bathroom of the hotel and she's in the bath tub with a guy she met a day ago. They were sharing a shrimp cocktail platter and shot gunning bud lights. Oh and it was noon.
He must be a special kind of stupid to cheat on a women who works at a funeral home. Does he not understand you can get rid of dead bodies easier than most Americans?
I accidentally told my mom I broke my drug nail this weekend
Chasing down vodka with apple juice and crying. Alone.
if I was a good friend this would be the time that i would remind you that you have a boyfriend
Keep your fingers crossed. If I get to go to a Stanley Cup game I'll give you the blowjob he deserves for taking me. Because hes definitely not gettin it.
Randomize
