i told my grandma i broke up with my boyfriend. her reply " you need to play the field more anyway"
Hopefully. Play it cool. Bust out a few jokes. Chew with your mouth closed and show your boobs.
to which he commented "you must really like me on top". I didn't have the heart to tell him that was the only way the room stopped spinning
I saw him coke blaxckout on the subway at 9 this morning yelling at people callig himself the gatekeeper.
Whatever. It was high school. Back then I'd blow anyone who had enough room between their chest and their steering wheel for my head to fit.
As I sit on the toilet at 4 am I realize tonight could have gone a lot better
have to get expensive furniture. after that study abroad now at least six things at ikea are named after guys i slept with
No. I'm too high for this. I gotta focus my mind for my future Hooter's interview
The best revenge is living well. Or pooping in his sunroof. Either or
If we don't rescue him from the fat chick soon, she is going to eat him alive and suck the marrow from his bones.
I arrived home at 7am wearing nothing but my underwear and a fedora. I ate half a dozen deviled eggs. Put Katy Perry on repeat. And cried myself to sleep. We cannot go out on Thursday anymore
Would it be crossing a line if I told him that I now know his girlfriend has a huge mole on her left ass cheek?
You came in, yelled 'i am from the future' then puked all over the floor
Do you know who changed all my phone contacts into characters from Harry Potter?
He Who Must Not Be Named.
Fuck you.
well you did quote socrates while playing beer pong and then proceeded to fall down
Randomize
