Picture the opening band right now: euro, beer guts, one member in oversized hipster lumberjack apparel, the other in childsized american apparel and shorts. Singing in german.
every time i send "do you want some cock" to her T9 manages to change it to "anal"...i think she's mad now
He's coming over tonight...I really wish I didn't have my period right now...
I believe I'm witnessing the first time ever that you wished your period would NOT come....
He was going down on me as I discovered a spaghetti-O on my boob. Its been a while since I faked it.
Im going to hell in a hand basket. With a ribbon tied to my head. I'll be like a puppy for the devil.
seeing two freshman taking a cab home at noon on a Monday makes me realize how much worse my life choices could have been
I got Pilsbury cinnamon rolls for us to have tomorrow, but I don't have the willpower to leave them in my fridge overnight, so I am eating them all and getting us more in the morning
I love you more by the minute
PUT YOUR FRESHLY SHAVED MEXICAN POON ON THAT BEARD. NOW.
As a heterosexual male nursing student, the odds are ever in my favor. My first semester has basically been The Horny Games. I've killed almost all of the competitors at this point.
My gay card got upgraded to platinum status today.
Liquor has joined the party. Aly just fucking yelled "I LOVE COOKING" and poured margarita mixer, ice and tequila into the blender.
You kicked my dad IN THE NUTS right when he walked in.
Sorry, man. Thought he was a cop.
Answered a bio test question bc of watching phineas and ferb. Remind me to always drink when studying.
I didn't have any lime for my chaser.. so after my shot I ate a handful of lime flavored chips. Didn't work so great.
I promise your sink was clogged before I threw up in it.
Randomize
