the only difference between me and a prostitute was that i complained a lot more.
I've never watched DWTS before, but this show's got Pamela Anderson, Erin Andrews and Brooke Burke: 3 of my top 10 all time most masturbated to women.
I just got over my period in 3 days...I believe that is god's way of saying "go fuck an amazingly attractive Italian boy on vacation"
your philanthropy is ruining my sex life.
In case you were wondering...putting everclear into a humidifier DOES get you really really drunk.
I came home ate all of my roomates poptarts and then vommited on her duvet cover. I don't think today is the day to suggest the whole "sex instead of rent money" idea
what's the name of the guy at the bank you blew to get the lower interest rate?
um. wrong number, but good luck with your loan
my heaven will be filled with hot naked men covered in chick-fil-a sauce and me wearing a bib
I wrote myself a letter, like I think drunk me wants to be pen pals or something
Just walked past the field playing Jesus music with a fanny pack full of condoms and beer. Happy Sunday.
I feel like there's def a learning curve to the sex swing
Nice girl until she takes off the fake human suit and shows you the flesh eating demon she truly is
you fell asleep with her panties on your face. how are you surprised??
Sorry for not calling you back. I got drunk and passed out on the kitchen floor. I just found my phone in the shower.
The whole country is going to hell in a handbasket but I got a grade A fucking and don't particularly care.
Randomize
