i never told you how having a club foot got me laid
he has a knack for choosing the worst time to masturbate
You threw a bunch of trashcans into the middle of the street and nothing happened. I fell on one car and suddenly there were cops everywhere...
...And then you kept screaming "cock mouth" in her face every time she tried to talk.
Update: I only have one shoe. The other one now belongs to the gods of jello-wrestling. May it rest in peace.
It's official, the cities waste management does not recycle porn.
THIS TIME TOMORROW MY VAG IS GONNA BE BRAND SPANKING NEW.
I stuck my fake eyelashes to his balls after he passed out.
I just blocked a guy on grindr for having a little dick. See? I do have standards.
This lady gave me four cups to go along with my gallon of daiquiri. Silly girl, all I need is a straw.
It's two in the afternoon, I'm on my third glass of wine and I'm watching Lambchop on youtube. How do you think I feel right now?
Was he a virgin!? DID YOU TAKE A GUY'S VIRGINITY ON MY FLOOR!?
you put your keys in the fridge so you wouldn't forget your yoohoo
tell him if he brings over dinner you might let him see your left boob...or right, whichever you prefer. But under no circumstances do you let him see both...unless he brings a good desert...like coffee ice cream or something
He ate me out while I was wearing a canada goose parka and a dress hand crafted by a seamstress from yellowknife. I came while watching the northern lights. Most arctic orgasm ever.
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