he confessed his love for me, threw up on my pillow and then fell asleep on said pillow. i met him last night.
better than last weekend. things are really looking up for you.
Fiestas. Its like a classier verson of mardi gras.
Ordered weed last night from the delivery service, and who showed up...my old real estate broker. He said, "this is less stressful." Duh.
so apparently the car got towed with me passed out in the back seat.
just woke up to find an unpeeled banana, with a condom on, halfway into my vagina. this better not be you trying to be funny
I think I'm just going to up-end a bottle of wine and look through pictures of what my life used to be.
And if you ever tell anyone that I have emotions ill kill you
Cheers to being single today. There's an entire box of franzia with my name on it.
But what I'm actually thinking about is how everyone except me had sex on my bed this weekend and now I'm just sleeping in it with a 7 foot tall blue panda
Freshly fucked must agree with my hair cause I've gotten compliments on it this afternoon
Had sex on your trumpet just an fyi.
Plus you need some new dick in your life, the environment is fucked enough you don’t have to recycle anymore 😂💀
He told his wife he was too old to pretend to be straight. She tried to argue. He walked two tables over and was like this is my highschool sweetheart and he's an excellent fuck, we're running away together. It was epic.
Her hand jobs are magic. They smell like vanilla and awesomeness. She made me forget how to walk
hey i'm sure you are probably asleep bc you suck and think sleep is necessary to live or something?
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