I didn't think moms care packages could get better than greygoose, weed & double stuffed oreos, but she just snet me a chocolate bar full of mushrooms.
Still can't believe they give people like us a drivers license and college degree.
I'm training him to sit when I whistle the tune from the hunger games. I'm going to be the coolest parent ever.
You told me you had two boobs that want to be naked for me. I'm just following up on your request.
hand jobs are a waste of time that only lead to arm cramps. Also, where do you look...his eyes, at the penis, at the tv?
yeah the "where to look" question is super awkward
I farted in his bed and then in my drunken stupor grabbed hair defanging spray to cover up the stench.
While randomly hooking up with my neighbor last night he says "it's okay we're neighbors".
Im part way to drunk.
I'm watching Trainwreck with Jeff and realizing that I'm the John Cena in my relationship.
Just for future reference. Do not do zumba while stoned out of your mind.
When the bouncer wouldn't let you back in you screamed "Authority is not given you to deny the return of the king!" and ran past him.
it was awkward when he was taking off my clothes and i had to help him undo my fanny pack
They tried to get you to drink water and all you kept shouting was, "NO MORE LIQUIDS OF *ANY* KIND."
Hey. Did I get punched in the face last night?
Yeah. I told you I would and you didn't believe me.
He had me sit on his face until I begged him to stop, then held me there 5 minutes longer. I rested my head on his chest, told him I needed time to recover....and slept for 6 hours. By the time I woke, he was already at work. I just sent him a countdown times until his shift is over.
Randomize