Oh my god. I think I just sexted my mom...
What?!
Fwd: Ride me, you sleek sleek woman!!!
There is a semi-attractive guy at the door who's looking for you. Says he met you on Chatroulette. Start explaining NOW.
maddie and i have invented a community puke bowl. explanation later
The sweet smell of jungle juice and bad decisions is calling our name.
Your CAR. Is in a LAKE. I'd say "a big mess" is a pretty conservative description of the situation.
You know my ex in high school who cheated on me and dumped me right before prom? A decade later, I just saw her again...working at an Arby's. it was a good day...
And as cleavage season comes to a close, so blooms a new season of yoga pants. And the people rejoiced.
We're both great liars, in committed relationships, and horny. Its the perfect storm of cheating
girl pulled up to the stop sign, got out, threw up all over my hood said happy thanksgiving then drove off
He told me I'm a small core of pure evil wrapped up in sweetness, gold, and puppies. He gets me.
That is beautiful
Quick I need a sexy way to say "suck your balls"
Yeah, but having a dick this size has ruined 3 marriages.
I keep track of what day of the week it is by my recent destinations on my nav system. \nRight now it's: booty call, bar, booty call, brunch, bar, church so that must mean we are getting close to Sunday when we start the rotation all over again.
So drunk last night I reviewed my recent anazon purchase of secret deodorant. Trust me, it was eloquent.
Did you clean my apartment?
I thought it was a dream, I'm sorry
Please stay more often
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