got in a fight at the bar because some dude thought i was being sarcastic when i told him "sweet mustache". it really was a sweet mustache
is it weird that i feel like i won the break up because my status change got two comments and his got zero?
All she gave me for breakfast was raw toast. How can she expect me to eat raw toast?
You mean bread?
She's holding my hand. I'm going to kill myself.
You're the only person I know who would say "we'll play it by ear" referring to a threesome
she tried to douche with champagne. in front of all of us. unabashedly.
Happiness is the polar opposite of catching your dad watching holiday themed porn
She is the epitome of a puke & rally. She picked a random hott guy at the bar & made him pinky promise not to leave while she took a power nap. She went & passed out in her friends car & apparently puked just outside the bar. She stumbled in & found the randome guy again & claimed she was golden. Made it to the after party & stayed up til 6 doing body shots off every girl she saw & hooked up with the random from the bar. I love her life
After a roaring rendition of Jay-Z's "99 Problems but a bitch ain't one" I ended up making her cry on her birthday.
Right now, I'm sitting in my room, drinking beer, eating double stuff Oreos, taking bites straight from a block of cheese, and watching Anchor Man 2 trailers. Finals week at its finest
I was chasing pulls of fireball with bites of a bagel and yelling at people to take tequila shots with me. I shouldn't be allowed to go out alone.
This girl just said she was late for class because she was having sex.
I think the lady at jack in the box started crying when we put in our order.
We have had more Sex in the past 48 hours then we have in the past 3 months. I think it was from me dressing up as Darth Vader.
I support your vibrator fueled lifestyle.
Randomize
