dude, i think i am in a porno. I was working out at the hotel gym and some chick was doing yoga and a guy comes up and says "good, now i know your flexible" then they started making out. WTF?
can someone explain to me why i woke up under a twister sheet
I'm having a chugging contest on the streetcar. The driver is judging.
Plus someone just passed me a joint through the window. BEST STREETCAR RIDE EVER
Just you wait I'll be crying and puking everywhere in no time
I just want to let you know how hung over I am today and I fucked a girl in a kangaroo costume last night.
Pretty sure I picked a cat up off the street and took him home with me, fed him tuna, then let him go
SORRY BITCH CAN'T, TAKING SHOTS TO WHITNEY HOUSTON.
Cockoligist
Yes, one may refer to me as that.
I should make business cards.
You screamed at oncoming traffic , "five dollars to punch this guy in taint!".
When you're done railing that chick, there is still half a pizza and some ninja turtle mac and cheese down here if you want
Just when I thought I was growing up, I go out and TOTALLY REDEEM MYSELF
Alcohol won't break your heart. I mean, unless it's all gone maybe
My boobs are hoarders, they steal food and hide it. Greedy bitches.
Gotta love college... Pregamed for my 8:30 flight home this morning and gave the flight attendants all high fives when I got on the plane. Best ride of my life.
I know you can't find me. Somehow I ended up on the roof smoking a cig with the strippers that are on break. Way too drunk to deal with this right now.
Randomize
