his prince albert piercing just severely cut the roof of my mouth. can you pick me up at the hospital if he drops me off?
They told me I spent half the night at the club with one ball hanging out my shorts. Apparently it got me 1 free drink, 2 numbers, and thrown out.
How do you tell if you're on the terrorist watch list?
please hurry. your mom just evil laughed to herself in the kitchen like she's plotting my death.
seeing an 80 year old woman puke in the bushes changes everything...
that's spring break in florida for ya
Shaking her cervix like it's the hottest ticket around
Hey do you have anything at your house 30 ft. tall to throw eggs off of?
Watching the tv in the reflection of my phone cause I'm too hungover to roll over.... Yes it is 4 PM...
I can't tell if they're having sex or watching the beach scene from Saving Private Ryan. All I know is I hear explosions and men screaming and crying
Are you complaining because you're getting too much sex to find the time to masturbate?
Well, when you say it like that it sounds silly.
I lowered my expectations when he started off saying "ah missionary, my specialty"
He literally just peed in a trash can in our room. It didn't even have a bag in it
I think we can say happy hour is successful when you have frosting and southern comfort in your hair.
yea so the plan to relive our college glory days was great and all but ending up in the er with alcohol poisoning was crossing the line
Is there a subtle way to tell him he needs to hydrate? 8 years of yoga and kegels. He has no idea what I’m going to do to him this weekend
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