i just peed in a port a potty and wiped with my credit card statement. fuck yeah!
my cat ate my toast this morning while i was getting dressed. i can already tell today is going to suck.
you tried to arm wrestle for the title of "mom's favorite son"
I don't think I have ever been told that I am "probably too drunk to pet the stingrays" by a cop before.
vaguely remember the bartender stopping me outside last night so he could pull the duct tape out of my hair
No... No really he actually thought the condom was meant for his hand...
She just tried to snort granola up her nose but its ok she's not bleeding.
Yeah I mean its Vermont, not like id be the first guy to trade pharmaceutical services for beer
Getting drunk in an Applebee's pray for me
Lord god protect this child
He couldn't get his dick hard. So he started yelling at it. " EVERYONE is laughing at you, you piece of shit no wonder you can't get pussy" i wonder if that happens frequently I'll try again next weekend
My vagina doesn't have a refer a friend program. You don't get $25 for getting your friend to have sex with me.
After last night I never want to be in the back of a cop car again. No leg room.
Let's celebrate our country being screwed by screwing.
I mean, you've had my nipples in your mouth now, so I think we've reached a certain level of friendship.
so hungover. idk whos house or comp im on
Randomize
