he is training for a marathon but can't last more than five minutes on top. worst tuesday night ever
I Just paid off the bartender to help me convince this chic my roommate's gay. This is the best cockblock ever.
i think i was tempted to text while we were making out. like i remember holding my phone up behind his head and just staring at it.
Were you paying girls to come up and grab my cock and tell me I look like bradley Cooper?
The "don't get cum on anything" rule also applies to my furniture and scarves
That's not technology. Doesn't count.
my roommate is sobbing and looking at photos of elephants. i'm so confused.
How was the party last night?
There's a mountain bike in the middle of our apartment. No one will claim it.
So is there some kind of punch card you and I get to use every time we fuck a chick with a cast?
I'm just sad for you. It sucks that the 17 douchebag asshole guys you're fucking can't morph into one nice, normal, non-alcoholic guy that has a drivers license and no criminal history.
You called to teach me about fire safety, meowed a whole bunch, said "I hope you are not on fire" and hung up.
Valuable lesson learned: if you reach the point where you have to talk yourself in to finishing the last half of your beer, you shouldn't try.
you started petting my head and said "there there, majestical unicorn. it won't be long before we get you back to neverland."
I'm sure we could go all project runway on our diapers and create some flattering absorbent thongs. We could do it on the Boat. Call it project rumway.
You know it was a weird night when you find curly fries in your purse the next morning...
Im blaming it on six shots of Jack, loneliness and a chemical imbalance. That's the best I can think of...
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