an unopened bag of salt and vinegar chips... probably the best thing I've ever found in my room while high.
You know what is really helpful - when the two guys you want to fuck stand next to each other. Stay tuned for who wins
If you could smell my eyes you'd understand the whole story
A guy dressed like Jesus just gave me a mini keg. Prayers really do come true.
I just made an agreement with this milf to shoot her daughters wedding in exchange for blow jobs. Going pro was the best choice I ever made.
Just had to hide the fact that I'm not wearing underwear from my 7 year old niece.
Some guy just rode an office chair down my street, I hope he comes back so I can give him my number.
We were destined to go to rehab together
Is the party worth it?
I am drink. Beer pony and singing.
I forgot to tell you. Your neighbor was walking his tiny dog and saw me crawl out of my jeep drunk vomiting and holding onto my bumper. He just said: morning! all friendly.
his basement wasnt heated so when i asked for a hoodie someone gave me a kimono.. i passed bc who the fuck knows where that shit has been recently
This is a mass text. I will facerape you if you bring me Fierce Melon Gatorade and 4 D batteries.
How is it possible that I'm still a virgin and you've managed to have sex in a cheetah print onesie TWICE
So to add to headbutting the microwave while waiting for my hot pockets to cook. I apparently told both bartenders earlier in the night I was going to fuck them both. I hate black out drunk me..
I support your vibrator fueled lifestyle.
Randomize
