i just sat at a stop sign for 10 minutes waiting for it to turn green. i need to STOP SMOKING THIS SHIT.
It took me 40.8 seconds to take a dump at her house, I know because I timed myself.
I will now attempt to shave my public hair into a Christmas tree.
My professor complimented me on the well drawn penis on my face then asked if I would like a seat closer to the garbage can.
remember.. you're not a homewrecker.. you're just creating options for him..
I am incapable of maintaining a guy's interest in me. It's like erectile dysfunction but with feelings
I just had a fifteen minute conversation with a Raccoon by the garbage bin. I was feeding it chex mix.
I woke up naked under desk at her apt once during my freshman year. I should have known that friendship was of a different breed...
If my penis could make facial expressions, it would constantly have a smile on.
You shouted, "LOOK I'M HAWKEYE," and beaned mike with a dildo from across the room.
You've never really lived until you tell someone you have an STD over snap chat.
He passed out. I tried to set his chest hair on fire.
do you ever just look around and think about how great it is to have depth perception? Like it's really, really cool when u think about it
I'm not going to waste the next hour of my life writing a diplomatic email explaining that she's bitch. I have Parks and Rec to watch.
Good news!! I can adult!! 😂 turning down the strip club on a weeknight has become my crowning achievement ðŸ˜ðŸ˜‚
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