I hate babysitting girls whose boobs are bigger than mine.
Found a bar with a washer and dryer and they serve food. I never have to leave
Is it bad that John just came to my work to have sex with me bc I felt bad that he slept on his porch last night locked out and I missed all his calls?
We were fucking at break-dick speeds.
Before I left he insisted on serenading me with a ukalele. I might be a little bit in love
I think I ate my cheesy fiesta potatoes cup.
I think my staff loses a little bit of respect for me every time you're in town. I may have to puke at work ...again.
Yep. It's going to be us, strippers, and drag queens.
A glittery, gay, heavily makeuped, scantily dressed clusterfuck.
what a fun peer-pressure-filled weekend
I woke up in a chipotle parking lot with an industrial sized box of condoms and a bag of dounut holes. I need Jesus
how I know last night was a good night: this morning I found a bottle of tapatio, a bag of chicken and a bag of popcorn in my purse.
Is it weird that the girl I'm fucking just wished me luck on my date tonight?
Well guess who isn't a virgin anymore
guess who isnt wearing pants has a shaving cream beard and is afraid theres no cream cheese in the fridge
the answer to that last one was me. the answer to the first one is you, you sly dog
No no. Thank you. Killed multiple birds with one penis.
There’s so much sex at the hospital I’m beginning to think scrubs were invented to make duty booty easier
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