oh vodka. i could write you a sonnet.
i no longer even have beer goggles. i'm pretty sure i blacked out and had beer lasik.
I just got while a charlie horse while orgasming...most confusing feeling ever...
i really regret not blowing your cousin before he went to jail
My 16 year old coworker just told me I should take my job more seriously after she watched me puke in the backroom trash can. Fuck teenagers with morals.
My dog just threw up a condom. Sorry for accusing you of not wearing one, I found it now.
That awesome feeling when you are pooping on the same toilet that nobel laureates have pooped on
I drunkenly texted ur dad last night telling him he raised great kids hahahahaha
Next time you have him paint you an outfit so you can do you walk the street naked TAKE A SHOWER BEFORE YOU GET IN THE BED. MY sheets look like like an acid trip
What has my life become? I'be officially recruited my fuck buddy for help getting my ex back.
How’s the date going?? Do you think he’s gonna cut your face off and wear it to his birthday party?
Well I only snuggle him I don't hump him. That's rude.
He fucked me so hard my contacts fell out! Didnt know that was possible.
I'm at the fucking ritz Carlton and I would leave here to cuddle with her. Not even fuck, just cuddle. What th hell is wrong with me?
I think it's called love, bro
My Dachshund waddled into the room carrying a rolled-up pad in her mouth with period blood. This day is clearly off to a good start.
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