Why did you take off so early
No more beer. And also. Threesome. Maybe. Ill let you know.
My co-worker just asked me if i colored my hair. Time to take a shower.
He def has a gf... But hes 7 feet tall and that superceeds any morality I may have.
She should get an extra 30 days for that Georgia Rule movie......terrible.
Clearly he doesn't understand my need to be surrounded by cats at all times
Note to self: do not take so many shots that you sit on the floor under the bar where nobody can see you, and reach out and grab peoples crotch.
I just found a 2 minute video on my phone of you throwing up in a fake plant.
the most romantic thing he could do for me right now would be to throw himself into traffic
There's nothing like telling your girl to hold your pants while peeing on your neighbors door
His voice is like having sex with hot chocolate and then suddenly you're pregnant.
I know you're asleep, but I just had a motherfucking epiphany.
When one of my seniors asked "Rough night?" I realized my poor decisions involving Tuesday night drinking did not go unnoticed.
I may have been mad at the Supreme Court/patriarchy and tried to hate fuck myself.
How many nights in 2015 can we have no one get injured, run away crying, or get into a brawl?
Her vagina is like the upper echelon of Scientology and I don't have enough money to get in
Randomize
